At the moment

So I’ve picked up Queen of Shadows again and spent a lot of today wrestling with it. And I keep finding that while I know what’s happening in the moment, I can’t even see an ending…What is up with that? I don’t know what it is, but my mind’s been in a fog for a while now. I think it’s a combination of burnout from school and a feeling of inadequacy. I feel like I am not dedicated enough to my craft, to my dreams. Where do I go from here?

My words are stopped up again because it’s been quite a while since I wrote, but I have come to learn that just keeping at it really does help. I know how my story works, I know the tools I can use to make a great book, yet at the same time the skills I have always feel uncertain. 

I don’t feel enthusiasm for anything except…reading. But I can’t do that right now. I have things to write before school starts again that I won’t have a chance to until summer. The urgency is there, but the words don’t come.

flex that writing muscle

Because mine has degenerated into almost nothing. It really doesn’t even take that long. Insert bitter laughter. 

I don’t have much time to write these days and while I consider myself slightly more experienced than others, all the knowledge does shit for me when I’m actually writing. All the stupid tips and tricks I’ve hoarded over the years come up to a big fat zero when I can’t muster up the courage to put down the words on the page.

Sigh.

There aren’t excuse I can make to justify me not writing. I do feel a lot of guilt because I’ve neglected it. Why is this so hard? Why can’t I do this? How far do I have to go before it gets easier?

Does it ever get easier?

I’m pretty pathetic and a terrible writer. Don’t mind me.

Exhaustion

As some of you may know, I have started law school recently. The PLAN was to revise my book in the free time that I had available to me while I was studying.

Now, I’m not sure how I can do that.

It’s not that I don’t have free time. I’m not studying constantly. However, in that free time, I would rather lay down and not move. I want to let my brain chillax. And the brain desperately desires that chillaxing period. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m tired. Weh.

I feel like what is in control more than anything is my ability to study and that, my friends, is something I am good at. So I devote myself to this, but writing falls behind. I haven’t revised my poor book in so long. I was in a good place too. Sigh.

I am a crazy person

UGH OKAY. SORRY. LAST POST FOR TODAY BEFORE I GET STARTED ON HOMEWORK.

I just. *frustrated scream* I JUST FEEL LIKE I CAN’T DO THIS. I’m too dumb.

I’m too dumb to write a book.

I’m too dumb to finish law school!!!!

I’m too dumb to do ANYTHING.

UGHSODIGJWEOITJETJI

I’m gonna just, curl up into a little ball and become a singularity. Drift.

Never think about my dreams again.

Recovery

Have you ever received feedback that kind of made you sit down for a second and want to weep? 

I know writers are supposed to grow a backbone, but sometimes, hearing that your reader just “couldn’t get into it” or that your country names you made sound like you got them out of a word-generator….just…ouch. I feel like I need to crawl into a hole and breathe into an oxygen tank for a bit.

Well, to be fair, my reader did read a fairly early version of my first chapter. So by the time she got back to me, I had already revised it with other feedback. 

But then I looked over my revised crap and it just felt terrible too. I wonder where it stops. I wonder if I can improve.

I hate my sentences. I love my story, but I hate my sentences. Sigh. It’s just hard to not go back and fix every little one of them right now. Because I can’t–there are bigger things to fix. Plots to clean up. 8 ( 

Just a few days ago I was really happy with my writing and today I’m just like, wow, the worst. I know of others who have persisted and improved, but is it something I can do?

Too early

I recently exchanged drafts of query letter with my dear CP. Thank god she ripped it apart!! Then I wrote a different draft and sent it to her, but I’m regretting it because I change more after I sent it to her. I wrote it last night and looking at it this morning it’s so much better. But maybe that’s because it’s too early and I’m not thinking correctly.

When did I become so wordy? I am not sure. It’s like I have an aversion for short sentences. Bah.

As a small update, I’ve started law school, but if anything that’s made me more inspired to become a published writer. Odd. I just daydream more when I’m bored. Daydreaming = Story ideas.

I was a little depressed for a while because I couldn’t think of anything. My story, I can feel it. It’s in my grasp!!! This is going to be the one, I know!!! 

I just looked over my query letter and I was just like, “Wow, this can happen.” 

Now all I have to do is fix this manuscript. SIGH. There’s so much to do. It’s still too early.

June Update

Hi there! It’s been a while. I’ve been keeping busy with my writing , talking with friends, planning my future, and studying for law school. I’m about halfway through my second draft of my book and it’s been a bit of a slog to dig into, but at least it’s going. I have confidence in it and that I can make it better. I’ve also read a few books while I was away–I don’t remember all of them because they were all library books and I was only allowed to have them for two weeks. My kindle makes it marvelously easy to read. One that sticks out was the Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern. So lovely, lovely. Keep reading, friends, and if there’s a topic you’d like me to address, feel free to leave something in the comments!