On Burning Out

I have this strange feeling that there’s something wrong with the way my brain works. Other people are motivated to change their lives and accomplish their goals, but for me, it takes a huge effort just to get myself out the door in the morning. I literally do not want to do anything except be a vegetable.

And that’s awful because there are people who are actually vegetables and I’m sure they’d kill just for a chance to have what I have.

Why was I born…is what I want to ask.

Is this depression? It doesn’t feel like depression. I just don’t want to do anything.

Law school grades finally came out and it was a mixture of goods and bads. The two professors I didn’t care for I ended up getting B-‘s in, but the rest were fine. Who can I blame except myself? A lot of people actually, but ultimately the blame lies in me for entering a rigged game. I didn’t even enter it thinking I could win. What the fuck, was I insane? Now I can’t leave because I’m 20k in the the hole in loans and I don’t know how everything is going to pan out.

When I’m uncertain about the possibilities, I tend to quit. But I fucking shouldn’t. I always fucking do this. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Why am I a human being I fail at it so much.

 

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Fuck High School

If I could go back in time to give myself advice, it’d be this: Fuck. High. School. I’ve reached a point in my life where I can love myself enough to say that the ONLY regret about that period of time is that I cared so much about shit that didn’t matter. Pep flags? Drama? Grades? Teachers hate you? Wondering why you can’t fit in?

No.

No. NO. NO.

Past self, you poor, love-starved girl, I wish you had a clue.

Writing the book I am now, I had to delve a lot into the girl that I once was, tap into that insecurity and anguish and it just brings out anger in me every time. Girl, the only thing you needed to know was that you were GOOD ENOUGH and NO ONE could change that. You were the one who gave permission to others to make you feel any less than that, but you were also the one who had the power to take it back.

I had some semblance of this idea, but I wasn’t strong enough then to implement it.

Build your foundation. Maybe that’s your family or your friends, but don’t let anyone tell you that you’re stuck with either. Don’t be a dick either–EVERYONE is struggling, even the bitches you thought had it all.

I was so insanely jealous of this one girl in my high school. She was pretty, funny, and was really smart. I was so jealous that I hated her.

Guess what.

She wound up anorexic and almost flunking out of school. Yea.

Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a hard battle. It’s hard to expand beyond that circle of people you personally know. Most people in the world is just a background character in the show that is your life. And that’s a good thing, if only for your sanity, because you will crumble if you spread yourself too thin.

But be kind to the bag boy at your super market.

Be kind to the telemarketer who calls.

Be kind to your stupid co-worker.

We are all human and more alike than different.

AND FUCK HIGH SCHOOL. Stop glorifying it, it wasn’t as good as you remember. Even if you had friends. Even if you didn’t have life shattering problems. Youth is clumsy and painful–it’s part of the past and you KNOW that just one year ago you were stupider than you are now.

And that’s all for today.

I’m a dreamer

Some heavy thoughts this morning.

I thought of all the people I’ve wronged. The times I acted childishly instead of taking the mature route. The pseudo-flirtations where I was over eager and rushed things.

I have such a short attention span. I’ve come to notice that while trying to get actual work done. Even while reading, I flip to other things, clean, look at other books, look at my phone and boy I am just….not getting much done. It’s a lifestyle born from my addiction to my computer I think…I mean, not that I can blame it for my shortcomings, but gosh it’s so easy to look at a million things at once on the internet. I get frustrated when I don’t have a constant stream on my Tumblr dashboard to occupy me at all times.

My friend thinks about things thoroughly before he does anything. He always considers his answers before telling them to me. So while I was talking a mile a minute with him last night about a recipe, he was still back on the cut of meat I first described.

And that’s when you forget how long a mile actually is. When your car can do it for you in just under a few minutes, you just forget that once upon a time, people couldn’t even leave their towns to meet others.

I’m always dreaming, I’m always really far away. And then I come back to the present and I’m frustrated because my mind has taken me too quickly into the future and time is crawling by comparison. Sigh.

I kept thinking of ways to get closer to my friend. But I’m rushing things again. I don’t want to make the mistake I made last time. But I don’t know how to take things slow either.