Confession Time

I haven’t written anything substantial in a very, very long time.

It’s because after writing my last manuscript and gearing up for revision, I realized it wasn’t the kind of story I wanted to tell. It had many elements of what I wanted, especially in the beginning which was to connect with the reader and emotional points, but slowly everything shiny about it grew dull.

So what I want to do next is not what I did with everything in the past, which is to dive in. I want to think, plan, and account for something that will be good. I want a thoughtful story I can be proud of. And this, my friends, has held me back enormously.

I continue to consume great stories. I go back to things that resonated with me and try to learn what worked and what didn’t. It’s been a hellish exercise because while I feel like I’m learning a lot, I don’t feel like I can apply what I’ve learned. It’s as if I know it in my head, but I’ve yet to internalize it so that it comes out in my writing. It feels a lot like worrying at the edge of a cliff. Will I fly or will I fall?

Meanwhile, I’m learning more about myself, which is that my love of visual art hasn’t been trashed like I previously thought. I still appreciate it and the strongest stories in my eyes combine both visuals and writing. What does this mean? I’m still exploring that.

To some degree it feels a bit hopeless, but it’s fun learning.

A Funk of Many Different Sorts

Lately I think the main thing I’ve been feeling is frustration with my craft. I switch over to drawing when it gets to be too much, but the same kind of pattern emerges. Basically, it’s a growing feeling of dread, of anger, both at myself and the work in front of me: WHY CAN’T I GET THIS RIGHT.

So to inspire myself, I seek out writing advice. People and words to tell me not to give up, that one day it will all be worth it. Lately, that just isn’t cutting it. Because no matter what I do, my story just isn’t clever. It doesn’t delight me. It’s like the ugly child I birthed that I cannot help but dote on, but feel pity for. It’s just wrong wrong wrong.

So I think to myself, why not write a blog post? Haha, maybe I’ll look back on this one day and laugh. And then I think, wow, how many posts can one person have about feeling like a terrible writer? Too many.

ANYWAY.

In happier news, I finished up the Grisha Trilogy by Leigh Bardugo today. So so good. As I read through it, it just felt like magic. Before I knew it, it was midnight and I was laying there, staring at my ceiling wondering how the author had done it. She lives in LA. Plausibly, I could stalk her and find her and SHAKE HER AND DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF WITCHCRAFT SHE POSSESSES. But that’s crazy. I’ll just settle for obsessive surgery on her books. Because this is the kind of book I want to write. Something amazing, magical, funny, sad, and beautiful all at the same time. I just feel like all of my old favorites dull next to this sparkling masterpiece…AND I LOVED THOSE BOOKS TOO!

Most importantly though, these books are genuinely funny. Lately, I haven’t been able to get books that don’t have an inkling of humor in them. They’re good, well written, and possess great worlds, but I’m ashamed to admit I’ve put down more than a dozen books this summer because they weren’t funny. I think that’s really important to me and I’m glad to have discovered that because MY story is NOT funny.

There are glimmers of humor here and there, but it is definitely not funny for the majority of the ride. Near the end, I simply typed out word after word with a dull glaze over my eyes. That’s not fucking good mate. So I’m re-evaluating. Obviously I’m a little child who needs to snort at her own jokes so my book needs to change to accommodate me. Sorry Ilya. Sorry Pierre (who may not even exist in the 3rd draft).

Hmph. Writing.

On Burning Out

I have this strange feeling that there’s something wrong with the way my brain works. Other people are motivated to change their lives and accomplish their goals, but for me, it takes a huge effort just to get myself out the door in the morning. I literally do not want to do anything except be a vegetable.

And that’s awful because there are people who are actually vegetables and I’m sure they’d kill just for a chance to have what I have.

Why was I born…is what I want to ask.

Is this depression? It doesn’t feel like depression. I just don’t want to do anything.

Law school grades finally came out and it was a mixture of goods and bads. The two professors I didn’t care for I ended up getting B-‘s in, but the rest were fine. Who can I blame except myself? A lot of people actually, but ultimately the blame lies in me for entering a rigged game. I didn’t even enter it thinking I could win. What the fuck, was I insane? Now I can’t leave because I’m 20k in the the hole in loans and I don’t know how everything is going to pan out.

When I’m uncertain about the possibilities, I tend to quit. But I fucking shouldn’t. I always fucking do this. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Why am I a human being I fail at it so much.

 

Writing Progress Blog Hop

Hey there! I’ve been MIA because in real life I am a law student with a lot of regrets about choosing law school plus I have to deal with exams coming up. Anyway–not much writing getting done as a result.

Rosie over on twitter tagged me for this blog post so I guess I have to dust this old thing off and give it a go. You can visit her here!

1. What am I working on?

Before I lost my sanity over school, I was working on a 3rd draft of my baby manuscript Queen of Shadows. It was going good, at least right before I had to stop. I was meeting with my writing partner weekly and writing with her. I had to rework the characters, the plot, the mythology, and it just exploded into this huge story that wasn’t really there before. Such is writing! I love it!

Other than that, I’m stewing over Rose in the Stars, my failed NaNoWriMo baby (killed last semester by exams too). God, every time I think about the characters and the story I just get so giddy. Sometimes I listen to the playlists I created for both of my books and I want to drink deeply from a bottle of wine. It’s like listening to a mixtape your ex made. Except you made it. And it’s about people who don’t exist except in your head. 

When I first started Rose, it was like any other idea I’ve had in that it resulted in a flurry of writing and me crowing over every scene and line. I need to learn to harness that better because I took a break and never got it back again. So I’m trying to plan a little more, write down the scraps that come to me in a brainstorming notebook, and just stew. 🙂 

I don’t really have much other than that! 

2. Why do I write what I do?

Tough question. Why? I couldn’t tell you really. I read a good reason why Melina Marchetta writes fantasy and it resounded with me. I’m an extreme person with (at times) extreme values concerning honor and what is right. It’s a bit silly to be that way in the real world, but it totally works in a fantasy world. What I’m saying is, I’m a drama queen.

Science fiction goes hand in hand with fantasy. It’s nearly the same thing at its core (at least, the kind I like to read anyway).

3. How does my writing process work?

Ideas come to me when I least expect it. Sometimes it’s after I read or watch something really good and I have more questions. Other times, I am just sitting there and suddenly I’m on my knees screaming, “I HAVE TO WRITE IT. TELL ME MORE BRAIN.” Okay, and this is bad, but sometimes I just really, really love a character and want to make a story for them on their own.

After I get my idea, I ask a lot of questions. These days, I try to write down what comes to me initially. I flesh it out as much as I can, but I don’t outline in the traditional sense. Traditional outlining is too stiff and rigid for me and I end up making inorganic choices that make me not want to write. I just do it, scene by scene, the “headlights” method if you will. 

Right before I write, I jot down a quick sketch of the scene: the characters, the plot points, the actions, etc. Then I slave through it because writing is hard, I am bad at it, and first drafts suck. 

Revising is easier for me because I can see a bigger picture. I’ll be like, “Oh, I have to add this so this other things makes sense later. Oh, they should have a turning point here. Oh–damn it why didn’t I think of it before now I have to change stuff.” I don’t line edit at this stage, but I do tweak some wordings just to make myself happy.

I’ve never really gotten to the stage where I polish my work within an inch of its life, but hopefully soon!!

I tag Christine!!!!

Dealing with school

It’s less than a month to finals now and I’m freaking out a bit. I slacked off a lot during the beginning of the semester and now it’s coming to bite me in the ass. Hard. I always do this. I know it’s coming. It’s not like I haven’t done it for the past 15 years of my life (God it’s been more than that I think?). I disgust myself at times.

I’m afraid that the other students have been on the ball, unlike me. And there are those who were in the bottom 25% who are probably kicking it into high gear. Ugh. I’m so dumb, why did I do this? I should have known better. 

Sometimes I sit around, thinking about the way I was in the past. Sometimes I was nice, but other times I was a complete mess. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. A lot of the time, I was frustrated because I never seemed to get anything right. Sometimes I was mean, other times I was desperately nice. I just didn’t understand what people wanted from me.

Yea, even now I get that feeling, but it’s more rare. 

I’m not sure what the change was, to be honest. A lot of self-help stuff will tell you to stop caring what people think, to be kinder, to find aspirations, and a million other things. It’s hard being a human being and it’s hard listening to this kind of advice that tells you that everything can be fixed. 

 

Sansa Stark Is Princess Of My Heart

One trend I’ve noticed in TV, books, and media is the ‘Exceptional Woman.’ This is not to be confused with the ‘Mary-Sue.’ She’s different from the others. In a world full of bland, mundane, vapid ladies, this one stands out because she is not only competent, she looks down on the things that are traditionally considered feminine. Rather than going shopping or focusing on her looks, this woman is fighting with swords and kicking ass. Often times, she’s the most compelling of all the characters because she works against the curve and proves herself to be exceptional. However, I’m going to argue that having only this kind of woman character dominating our culture is actually detrimental and follows the usual patterns of looking down on women as a whole. 

You see the Exceptional Woman  everywhere and she is written so that she is the standard to which her gender should strive, she is good enough to be ‘one of the boys.’ A pack of dudes are on a mission, they kick ass, they can hack like nobody’s business, so how does she set herself apart? By being better than them. Only by showing them up, is she accepted as their equal. They never thought before to include a woman’s talents into the group before this because women had never been an option. Yay, she won against the odds.

This kind of narrative shows up in fantasy worlds as well–one where we assume because they are derived from Medieval Europe (or at least, Tolkein’s idea of Medieval Europe), women are automatically in the backseat. It’s even clearer in these settings ‘why’ women were excluded. The excuses are typically insulting: women are physically weaker, women are baby caretakers, women tempt men and distract them. So to overcome these odds, the Exceptional Woman hones her skills so that men don’t have to worry about her getting hurt or getting in their way. She joins men in looking down on other women because she internalizes masculine traits and derides feminine ones.

“Most girls are stupid,” said Arya.

Arya is no doubt a cool character. She’s a survivor. However, it is my belief that George R.R. Martin did NOT write her to be an Exceptional Woman. She is rather, along with her sister Sansa, a study of this strange hatred of the feminine. The most common thing I hear about Game of Thrones is that Sansa is stupid and weak while Arya is smart and strong.

What?

Whaaaat?

I think this kind of reaction derives from what we’ve seen in the mainstream, where there is always a female focused on things without consequence and serves as a contrast to the Exceptional Woman. Step back for a moment and think why there is such a negative backlash to Sansa. Sansa and Arya go through parallel challenges–one within the court and the other in the wider world. Both are settings where they are in constant peril, yet they learn, they grow, and they maneuver through the waters with ever increasing skill. They are not contrasts of each other, rather they are two complementary parts of the same picture. There is more than one way to be strong. 

 

I guess I’m just tired of people ragging on Sansa for no reason, other than it was their gut reaction to hate her. 

My other issue with the Exceptional Woman trope is that her arc is dominated by her escaping the expectations of her society….which is based on our society. It’s a world the writer made up in her head. I feel like women are therefore limited if in this made-up world where anything can happen (even a setting that is technically modern) they are STILL thought of as the exception to the rule if they do something cool.

Not to say that I don’t think that the Exceptional Woman is necessarily bad, but it’s not exceptional that women have fought in wars or they were doctors. They’ve done it all along yet we pretend that for the majority of history, they were silent, which is why in the stuff we see today, the cast is largely empty of females. So why do we limit the role of women to what we believe is ‘realistic’? Why is it realistic that all the ladies in your fantasy world are weak and stay inside all the time? Why does anyone want that reality?

 

 

At the moment

So I’ve picked up Queen of Shadows again and spent a lot of today wrestling with it. And I keep finding that while I know what’s happening in the moment, I can’t even see an ending…What is up with that? I don’t know what it is, but my mind’s been in a fog for a while now. I think it’s a combination of burnout from school and a feeling of inadequacy. I feel like I am not dedicated enough to my craft, to my dreams. Where do I go from here?

My words are stopped up again because it’s been quite a while since I wrote, but I have come to learn that just keeping at it really does help. I know how my story works, I know the tools I can use to make a great book, yet at the same time the skills I have always feel uncertain. 

I don’t feel enthusiasm for anything except…reading. But I can’t do that right now. I have things to write before school starts again that I won’t have a chance to until summer. The urgency is there, but the words don’t come.

flex that writing muscle

Because mine has degenerated into almost nothing. It really doesn’t even take that long. Insert bitter laughter. 

I don’t have much time to write these days and while I consider myself slightly more experienced than others, all the knowledge does shit for me when I’m actually writing. All the stupid tips and tricks I’ve hoarded over the years come up to a big fat zero when I can’t muster up the courage to put down the words on the page.

Sigh.

There aren’t excuse I can make to justify me not writing. I do feel a lot of guilt because I’ve neglected it. Why is this so hard? Why can’t I do this? How far do I have to go before it gets easier?

Does it ever get easier?

I’m pretty pathetic and a terrible writer. Don’t mind me.

Exhaustion

As some of you may know, I have started law school recently. The PLAN was to revise my book in the free time that I had available to me while I was studying.

Now, I’m not sure how I can do that.

It’s not that I don’t have free time. I’m not studying constantly. However, in that free time, I would rather lay down and not move. I want to let my brain chillax. And the brain desperately desires that chillaxing period. I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m tired. Weh.

I feel like what is in control more than anything is my ability to study and that, my friends, is something I am good at. So I devote myself to this, but writing falls behind. I haven’t revised my poor book in so long. I was in a good place too. Sigh.